Sex is one of the healthiest ways to have fun, connect to and show love to your spouse. This type of intimacy enriches the bond and foundation of your marriage.
Unfortunately many couples are secretly struggling with sexless marriages – having little to no sexual intercourse. Many report that they were once lovers, turned roommates. They find themselves feeling confused, worried and embarrassed about seeking help for this issue. A decrease in sexual desire and interaction can happen to anyone, as life sometimes disrupts the flow of sexual motivation.
It’s important to realize that, unless jointly agreed upon, sexless marriages can be damaging to you and your partner’s self-esteem and connection to one another. It puts the marriage in an extremely vulnerable and toxic state, leaving one or both partner’s feeling rejected and alone. With sexuality being heavily linked to our emotional and physical conditions, it is easy to misjudge the basis of this halt. Identifying why your marriage has become sexless will get you on the right track to spicing things up again!
Here are a 3 main sources that may be causing a decrease of sexual intimacy between you and your partner:
1. Confusion about accountability. One partner may angrily voice their concerns about not having sex, while the other shuts down and perceives a threat. Recognize that sex is a couple’s issue, not an individual one – nor a personal attack. Calmly and openly present your feelings and allow your partner to do the same without aggression. You both hold equal responsibility for initiating sexual contact.
2. Emotional disconnect. It’s challenging for a physical connection to take place when the emotional bond is severed. Many couples may feel unsafe with one another resulting in a lack of friendship. Fighting then becomes the only style of communication; while work, children and bills are the only reason for cohesion. Be soothing, interested, and empathetic. Marriage requires hard work and effort. Give priority to nurturing a mind connection outside of daily life routines, and sexual intimacy will rise.
3. Negative information or lack of knowledge about sex that acts as a hindrance. Early in life we learn most of what we know about sex, relationships and intimacy from our systemic environments. These teachings or negative experiences can influence our drive, thoughts and feelings towards sex. Additionally, there may be a lack of education about how age and physical conditions cause disturbances in sexual arousal, erection and lubrication. It’s important for couples to discern whether the presence of physical disorders or their past is impacting how they sexually relate to their partner. Explore and get informed.
Be vulnerable and enthusiastic to discuss these issues with your partner. Verbal intercourse paves the way for sexual intercourse!
Written by Brianna Colbert, MA, LLPC.